To serve with honor.

It has never seemed fair to me that women aren't able to serve their country in the same manner as the menfolk. Sure, I know they can join the military these days. But they are still prohibited from experiencing the glory of combat. I just don't see how we can call ourselves an egalitarian nation while we continue to practice such sexism.

But I also realize there is a practical reason for this ban. From a strictly biological perspective, women in general are not as fit for combat as men. Of course, the military could institute physical testing to allow anybody with the necessary strength and stamina to join the warrior class. But I believe there's a simpler way to give women the ability to serve their country with honor and pride.

I hereby propose the creation of the United States Coitus Service. If our young men can serve with honor by laying down their lives for the country then surely our young women can serve with honor by, well, laying down for the nation.

Imagine the parents beaming with pride as their daughters head off to booty camp. And the girls themselves, flush with unbridled enthusiasm. Knowing they are making a noble sacrifice to keep the world safe from blue balls.

The girls would spend weeks conditioning and training. Building the stamina required to suck off an entire bachelor party. They would learn the fine art of manipulating the male genitalia to achieve the maximum results. Just as with their military counterparts, the women of the USCS could take on additional training to become specialists. These cummandos would wear their own insignia to tell the world they were something special.

What a magnificent society it would be. Crime would virtually disappear since most crime is the result of men trying to get laid. With skilled and enthusiastic pussy merely a phone call away there would be no need for men to steal money to buy fancy things in hopes of luring a woman. They could simply dial the local USCS office and have a specialist sent right to their house.

Of course, the USCS wouldn't just operate here at home. It's the American Way to share the American Way with the rest of the world. The USCS would have offices around the world. Our brave young women would travel the globe, meet strange new cultures, and milk their men. Giving real meaning to their motto, “Spreading Joy by Spreading Our Legs”.

Yes, these women would proudly wear their pink miniskirt uniforms. Ready, at a moment's notice, to leap into action and drain the seed from some poor man's swollen testicles. They'd adorn themselves with medals and ribbons to indicate their achievements. Such nobility.

And years down the road, when these proud girls have become proud grandmothers, they will look back with a sense of accomplishment. They'll adjust their “USCS – Retired” ballcaps and smile at their granddaughters. They'll recount amazing stories of adventures in far way lands. Tales of heroism and sacrifice. Harrowing tales of spooge in the eyes and unbathed men. And all across the country little girls will look up at their grandmas with gleams in their eyes. They will wonder what it must be like to swallow a man or to feel his thrusts. And they will dream of the day they can make their grandmas proud by following in their footsteps. Eager to travel the world, moist wipes and lube at hand. Ready to give of themselves, to sacrifice. Ready, to serve with honor.